I Want To Culture You Up

culture. a word i spent threes years throwing around my mouth. what is it? how can we stopper it, put it in a snow globe which at a later date we can take out, shake and gawp at? my degree is a certificate that proves that i did indeed have a good hard look at its significance, but attempting to read a dozen ethnographies is nothing on the hilarity of a real live cross-culture exchange . the very first time i sat Maria (my Tanzanian housemate) down to enjoy her first experience of Friends (you might be familiar with the 1990's hit sitcom) she turned to me half way through, with a look of puzzlement on her face, and asked with complete sincerity: "But, Who is laughing?!" "Ah! uhm, yes, that is what we call canned laughter. sometimes there is an audience, and sometimes they put on a previously made recording of people laughing". she arches her eyebrows at me as if this is the most insane thing she has ever heard. this is pretty much her general response to any explanation i have for our culture.
Upon watching Mars attacks i had to explain to her our concept of "Aliens": "things that live in outer space, that we are not quite sure exist, but if they do we are 99.9999% sure they are going to come here and fuck everything up. stereotypically small and green. though as you may have noticed, mars attacks is an ironic parody of 1960s sci fi. follow me yet?" "no."
Upon telling her that were going to help steward a sponsored Santa Run (where a few hundred Aberdonians dress up in santa suits and run a few miles around the city for charity to the sound of Wham's "Last Christmas".) "Who is this santa clause??" "well, uhm, Ok. he is st nick! or father christmass. yes. uhm he is a fat man in a red suit and he brings presents to little children, bringing joy to many!! but not if they are bad! oh no no no!! only if they are good!" silence "and he appears at this time of year because... well he is related with Christmas (though I'm not sure how exactly) and, we all like him because we like Christmas, and we like Christmas because of the presents and the family gathering..." Maria, who is a devout Christian, does not look convinced. (laughing nervously) "in fact I'm not sure why we celebrate Christmas at all! i personally think it should be renamed the Winter festival for PC reasons. really Christmas is just a time for consumerism, greed and waste, symbolic of the globalist capitalist world in which we are now forced to live in and anyway, originally Santa was green and not red but coca cola turned him red which proves my point!" she has stopped listening to me by this point, having learnt by now exactly when to tune out of my ramblings of insanity. who can blame her? i confuse myself.

anyways, wedensday was a mini celebration for myself because successfully managed turned her to the teen-angst-emo vampire phenomenon that is Twilight (though this did not prove to be too hard, she being a girl and all). That evening she, I, and five other GX gal-pals went to see, and shamelessly enjoy, the epic blockbuster New Moon at the Cineworld cinema. Huzzah! (We would have gone to The Belmont, our local, independent, and thus more ethically correct cinema. But for reasons that are beyond me it was not showing it.)
I am ever so glad that it is I, Harriet Jane Thompson who gets to expose my humble, yet ever-curious Tanzanian visitor Maria Mbughuni, to the true fruits of our wonderfully rich and diverse Culture. Whatever that may be.